A Shaman's Guide To Hunterism

Tonight, I'm doing something a bit different. Off-topic. Unusual, if you will. I'm always rambling on and on about Shamans, healing, false promises, and far too many filler posts.

This is changing tonight, for this will quite possibly be my most legitimate post of my blogging career.

You may find it odd, however, that this post targets Hunters. I know, I know, Hunters aren't Shamans. No need to tell me. Though I feel that, as a Shaman who mainly heals, I've gotten a good grasp of the Hunter class as a whole. I even consider Nimala, at times, to be a hunter. Sure, she has no pets that attack, but she does have a Pandaren who's only good at two things: kicking ass and chewing bubble gum - I just make sure to keep him well-stocked on Orbit (His favorite is Spearmint)

THE ROLE OF A HUNTER

The role of a Hunter has been long disputed between Hunters and non-hunters since the beginning of time. It is not DPS, contrary to the popular theory. The actual, factual intended role for Hunters is to supervise the goings-on of the rest of the party/raid. They were not meant to attack, but to stand from afar, maybe send their pet in to nuzzle up with the enemy, and advise the rest of the party or raid on what they're doing wrong. And trust me, non-Hunters do everything wrong. I know, my hunter friend told me. And don't be stingy with the insults! They just help drive the point home that everybody around them are blithering idiots. Rule of thumb: If you're pressing more than four buttons, you're doing something wrong! If you're pressing less than four buttons, but more than once, you're doing something wrong!

HUNTER SPELL ROTATION

Remember the rule of thumb? I surely hope so, since it's the last thing you read. A Hunter's spell rotation is very simple: So simple, in fact, that it's almost complicated.
1. Mark - Use your Hunter's Mark. It's the first thing to do, and it's very important, for it puts a pretty little arrow above the enemy. Remember, aesthetics are everything! If you're an arrowphobe, though, and happen to have lead or assist (which you should - you're supervising the raid! If you are not at least assist, demand to be made one), you have an additional plethora of pretty pictures to put above the enemy, from skulls to crosses to diamonds.
2. Pet Attack (affectionately referred to by Nim as "The nuzzlesnuggle) - Nobody really cares about your pet (When's the last time a healer healed your pet? eh? eh?), but that doesn't mean that it should stand there doing nothing. That's just wasteful. Send it in! Let it hug the enemy to its heart's content! It's technically dealing some damage, but the real reason for you to send your pet to its imminent doom is because, well, let's face it. Your pet is a bit of an eyesore, and it is very needy. "Feed me, feed me!" is all you would hear from it if it could talk. It's best to send your insignificant other in and letting its death seem like a mistake. "Mob killed it, not me!" Scapegoats are awesome, aren't they?
3. Mend Pet - This is the "At least I tried" button. Yes, your pet will die. No, Mend Pet will not help. But your pet will go out thinking "Well at least s/he tried". Listen, Hunters aren't heartless. They don't want every pet they send to the slaughter to think they're dicks. That's grounds for revenge once you actually do hit the dust and join them in eternity.
4. Hunter win! - This is pretty self-explainatory. If you follow the previous three steps for every battle, you can't lose. At least, it'll never be your fault.
5. Fake your death - If the rest of your group screws up and wipes, just Feign Death. Why should you take durability damage for your colleagues' shortcomings? In the even that this does happen, make sure to let everybody else have it. Rip them a new one. Clearly they weren't listening to your flawless directions on how to fight.

There is a fifth button that you need to make liberal use of, and that is the click-to-talk keybind in Vent. Sure, typing is fine to tell people they're doing it wrong, but actually yelling at them is much more satisfying for you.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A HUNTARD

This term get some terrible rep, and you should not listen to anybody who calls you such. Just tell them that it's not your fault that Blizzard chose the Hunter as the superior class, and that they chose a less-than-awesome class.

HUNTERS ROLEPLAYING AS DPS

There are a good few Hunters out there who believe they were destined to DPS. They are, simply put, wrong. Just because it's possible for a hunter to top DPS charts, it does not mean that they should. I mean, the kind of spell rotation they would have to do in order to pull this off is probably about as complicated as an Enhancement Shaman's. Who in their right mind wants to have to remember so many buttons? I know I don't. That's why I'm secondary Elemental (Marksman in Hunter terms).

A MESSAGE TO ALL NON-HUNTERS

You're inferior. I've accepted this fact. You should too. Oh, and do whatever the Hunter says. They always know better than you.

Disclaimer: This post may or may not have been conceived in a moment of passion with a fellow Hunter blogger. This post may or may not have been written off the top of the author's head and may or may not make any sense whatsoever. This post does not dictate the author's true feeling toward Hunters. The author is not liable for the death of any Hunter who follows this post's advice. The author of this post actually likes Hunters. Please don't stone the author.